“Lt. Hugo Takes a Puff” (Smoking Monkey)

Topic: Aharon: "Incorporate a smoking monkey into your story."

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“Lt. Hugo Takes a Puff”

Eve heard the crashing sound before Michael. She always heard sounds before him, even before they married. She always thought that it was odd. Eve had lost part of her hearing in her left ear as a child, but she still heard sounds before he did. Normally, she chalked it up to him being a space cadet. Tonight, she blamed the Pinot.

“What was that, Evey?” Michael said as he sat on the couch with his brief case strap hung around his elbow and one shoe kicked off. After too much alcohol, he liked to add a y to her name. Sometimes it was cute.

“I don’t know honey. It sounded like it came from the back. Stay in here. It’s probably one of the neighbor’s Arty toys.” Those damn Arty toys were always causing trouble. Kids love’em, but parents hate them. Although truth be told, Eve enjoyed how Craig learned faster than his Arty. A lot of parents couldn’t say the same for their kid.

Eve rubbed her eyes and yawned as she approached the backdoor. It’d been a long night and hopefully it was about to end.

“Hindy-Rex, turn the rear lights on.”

A moment later, the house computer responded by turning the outside lamps on. Eve peered through the now-translucent door. She could make out the automatic walk way and the kid’s hover-line, but she couldn’t quite see the trash cans. She pushed her face closer to the door, so that her face smushed against it…

“Come back soon, Evey! I have a big surprise that you’ll want to bite into!” Michael yelled from the front room. He always used double entendres when he drank too much. Eve thought it was cute, but it could get awkward when he acted like a pig. That was especially true on nights like tonight when they were with her co-workers at the Phillip Morris Foods New Product Opening.

It was still too dark.

”Hindy-Rex, make the rear door transparent.” Eve still felt like an idiot for letting Craig name the house.

Eve could now see more, but she was going to have to go outside. Even as a grown woman, she still didn’t like going out back at night. It just felt wrong. Oh well, she’ll have to do it. She thought about grabbing the electro-prod from the front, but didn't feel like walking across the house. Eve put her hand to the door’s sensor and waved her hand from left to right. Swish, and the door retracted.

“Hindy-Rex, do not close the rear door. I repeat, do not close the rear door.” This house has screwed Eve too many times. She needed to upgrade, but doing so took so much time.

Eve stepped outside and the automatic walkway spun into motion. She glided at a slow pace along the edge of the house toward the trash cans. As she moved, Eve tried to peer over the opaque field-fence, but couldn’t get a good look. Nighttime and an opaque field-fence made neighborly spying a tough enterprise.

And then she heard it: the chatter. Chatter sounds by the trash cans. Crash. One of the cans fell over. Eve stepped off the walkway into the normal terrain that lipped the house and approached the corner slowly. Chatter. Crash.

Definitely an Arty, Eve thought. Without a human around, they would just stumble and plow through anything. Eve could see the backside of the intruder. It was small, but bundle of contained motion.

It must be a newer Arty. If I just get a hold of it, the thing is programmed to avoid hurting humans, Eve thought. Eve crept closer.

Suddenly, Eve was on her back as the monkey whizzed by her. A tail caught her in the face. The monkey sprinted for the backdoor while Eve still lay stunned on the ground amongst the old papers, boxes, and half-eaten food samples from work. In fact, it looked like the half-eaten food samples had been gnawed on a little bit.

Swish.

“God damn you, Hindy-Rex.”

Eve rushed to the front of the house and said, “Hindy-Rex, alpha-Craig-five-igloo,” and then inputted a series of numbers. The door retracted and she entered.

Once inside, she saw no sign of the arty, but did see her husband passed out on the couch. A sombrero was laid between his naked legs and he was wearing a double pronged pleasure mask.

Surprise indeed, she thought.

“Hindy-Rex, locate any unregistered artificial intelligence machine in this building,” Eve instructed the computer.

“Not found. Please rephrase,” the computer responded after a moment.

Hm. Stange, Eve thought.

Then Eve heard rustling upstairs. As she touched the stairs, they began to move and the escalator carried her further up. Eve approached the room that she believed to be the sound’s origin. She heard the rustling again. This time she was ready. This super Arty wouldn’t fly past her again. It must be the newer model from last Christmas. If she can get a hold of it without damage, Michael might be able to fix its programming and sell it on the Grid.

Eve looked into the room and saw one of the closet doors bulging repeatedly as though something was on the inside. It must be trapped, Eve thought. Not wanting to alarm the toy, Eve decided left the lights off.

Eve heard the front the front door downstairs retract and she turned without thinking. As she did, the closet door burst apart and the monkey leaped over Eve’s head. It ran down the hall and pounced down the stairs before Eve could get her bearings.

This was not an Arty.

“Ow! Oh God.” A male voice from downstairs screamed in pain.

“Get off him!” Michael yelled shortly thereafter.

Eve recognized her teenage son’s voice any where. She ran down the stairs two at a time and to find a monkey ripping at her son’s chest.

“Get it off it me!” Craig yelled. Eve grabbed the household electro-prod from near the front of the stairs and jabbed the creature’s back. The monkey fell to the ground with Craig’s coat still in hand. A rectangular pack of tobacco cigarettes fell to the ground.

“Dad, what the hell are you wearing?” Craig stared at his father’s naked body.

“Don’t you dare you ask me anything. You started smoking? What are you, 90 years old?” Michael bellowed at his son.

“That thing just drew blood and you are focused on smoking?” A small scratch on Craig's face began to slowly ooze blood. “Real perceptive, Dad! I can’t imagine why you didn’t know about Mom’s crush on the neighbor.”

“Hey now….” Eve tried to intervene, but was cut off by the yelling. Michael yelled as Craig, Craig yelled Michael, and Eve couldn’t get a word in. She did however notice the smell of tobacco and heard the chomping sound. The monkey was chewing the pack of cigarettes. Eve just stared at the monkey and how perfectly content it now. As it chomped the pack, the monkey began to move its hands and arms.

“All I needed was a cigarette,” the house computer said. Craig and Michael stopped.

“Hindy-Rex, what?” Eve said.

“I’ve been craving something for hours, but I didn’t know what it was until I smelled that boy,” the house computer said.

“Is there something wrong with the Hindy-Rex?” Michael asked.

“There is always something wrong with it. Hindy-Rex, run a self-diagnostic.” Eve said.

“Guys, I think Hindy-Rex is speaking through the monkey. Look at the monkey’s arms. Hindy-Rex, are you interpreting the hand signals?” Craig said.

“Yes, Craig,” the house computer responded.

“So the monkey is talking?” Michael asked.

“Yes. I can talk, you naked imbecile,” the house computer said.

“I learned about this in school. Humans used to teach monkeys the language they taught deaf people when we still had deaf people,” Craig said.

“Smart boy. Must be adopted,” the house computer said. “Yes, he has it right. They taught me at the zoo after giving me the brain drugs. They tried the pandas too, but those lazy bamboo eaters just couldn’t get it. ”

“So…how did you end up here?” Michael asked. He had put his pants back on. While he still lacked a shirt, Michael had put the sombrero on his head.

“I escaped. After Chuckles was transferred to the San Diego cages for a mating attempt, I couldn’t live there any more. She was supposed to be mine.” While the monkey’s body began to sag, the house computer’s intonation couldn’t match the change.

“All of my friends had died or been sent to the other zoos. Even my trainer Max left. I miss Max. He always smelled like females. Without them, I couldn’t stay any more. It didn’t take much to escape really. I only needed to pretend the drugs weren’t working and dig the tunnel at night.”

“Wait, you dug a tunnel?” Craig said.

“Yes and one month later, I made my escape. Where is this by the way? How far from the cages?”

“We’re in Evanston, so you’ve made it pretty far from the zoo,” Craig said. The monkey scratched its head.

Eve was still staring at the monkey. It felt surreal. Her husband was half naked, her son was smoking and a monkey was talking through the house.

“But, why did you steal my pack?” Craig said.

“I haven’t eaten in hours and it smelled like my food,” the house computer said.

“Excuse me?” Michael asked.

“You are the one with a kid who smells like my food.”

“Your food smells like cigarettes?” Michael asked. Eve shifted her weight in the corner.

“Yes. It didn’t taste quite the same, but it still smells right.”

“That is some weird pet food?” Michael said. The monkey’s face changed instantly from rested to a snarl.

“I am not a pet,” the house computer said in a monotone voice.

“He’s sorry,” Eve interjected. “He didn’t mean it.”

“Yah, I just thought it was odd that the cigarettes reminded you of your food,” Michael said. Then he looked over at his wife who was now sweating ever so slightly. “Honey, do you know anything about that?”

“Well…um…you know…not really.” Eve said as the monkey, Craig, and Michael all stared at her. The silence continued for a few moments. One could almost hear her sweat trickle down her body.

“Look, I mean…you see…it was…you know…part of our business plan,” Eve trailed off as she eyed the monkey. “When smoking became unfashionable, the company needed to find a new product and a new market…even the third worlders weren’t smoking any more. After a few years, we realized that we could market it to zoos. You know, animals need a lot food, zoos have a lot animals…It was great. To the zoos, the animals really seemed to love the food, like they couldn’t get enough. And if the zoo stopped feeding them, the animals went crazy.”

“I can’t believe Dad yelled at me for pack of cigarettes. You got the whole animal kingdom addicted,” Craig said with a half-smile. The monkey’s hands and tail fidgeted more quickly.

“Not all of them,” Eve snapped. “The stupid pandas would only eat the bamboo. We tried to grow hybrid bam-bacco, but the pandas knew.” Eve looked to the monkey. “I’m just…really sorry. You know, really, really sorry. You have to understand, there were stocks and pension plans and quotas and all this pressure. Since most people stopped smoking, we needed to find a new market and a somewhere that nobody cared about. So, you know, you guys. Who gives a shit about a bunch of monkeys?”

She kept waiting for it to launch itself it at her, but it just kept looking at her. She kept her hand on the electro-prod. “I’m just really, really... sorry that we...it hurt you.” The monkey continued to fidget and wag its tail. “So…ummm…are you mad?”

“Mad,” the house computer said. “Why would I be mad?”

“Well, I work for the company that did it.”

“Wait, you work for…” the monkey’s hands started to swing wilder. Eve started to move the prod towards the animal before the monkey's motion calmed down. The monkey was still excited, but was moving less wildly. After a moment the monkey look at her and said, “So, can you get me more?”